Thoughts and Observations of Noah Mason

[Noah Mason]

I have no idea what anyone wants of me. I get told that I'm an asshole at work, but then that I'm a pushover at home. I've been trying to find a common ground somewhere, but it's not going well. I just can't seem to get it. But I'm still working on that. Just not used to caring for my brothers and sister yet, I guess.

That's the part that has been most confusing for me. I love them, and wouldn't give them up for anything, but sometimes I think that they are TRYING to get me to scream and yell like the asshole that I am at work. I don't want to do that, really. I want to be just plain Noah. I have no experience with thirteen, sixteen and eighteen year olds! My children are four and two. How am I to punish someone that keeps getting into trouble without coming off as a total jerk and then turning him against me forever? As it is, he prefers another of our brothers.

Our sister is getting married, and since she's eighteen, there is nothing I can do to stop it, but I wouldn't want to anyway. He's good to her, she's happy with him, and she's never been one to decide things on a whim. They have been dating since she was a fifth year and they haven't done anything, yet. They want to wait until they are married for that. I'm glad for that one, since I don't know what I would have thought about her being pregnant and still in Hogwarts. The only problem that I have with this is that she wants to get married right away. That sounds to me that she wants to leave school. Um, Mum and Dad wouldn't like that. But I cannot control what she does any longer. I am not her father. I'm her brother.

I keep getting told that one. By everyone. That I really need to lay into my thirteen year old brother because he keeps getting into all this trouble, but HOW??? I don't believe in hitting, and he's too damn old for me to be doing that anyway! I can ground him, but to what purpose? That may sound to people that I'm being too soft on him.

Why can't I just be who I am?! I'm Noah John Mason. That's the only person that I can be!! I don't want to have to play the heavy all the time and then have people hate me or resent me for anything that I may have said or done. I just want them to all understand that I may be paranoid, but I have two little boys and the love of my life to protect, and add my brothers and sister to that, and I'd be a nervous wreck if I didn't have my wards up every night before I went to bed.

Sigh. I guess I'll just keep on trying and see if I can't find a happy medium with this. I mean, there has to be an end to all this, right? There has to be an answer? To why it is that I can't...... Just be Noah?

[Noah Mason]

Time to think of other things than that last journal entry.....

Like the fact that Landen and Hunter are in school now, for the entire day. I try to be home when they get out of school, but it's not always possible. I've asked the next door neighbor that has little ones of her own to watch them when I can't get away from work in time to meet them right away, and she's very good to them, thank Merlin.

I think Hunter has a bit of a crush on her, to tell the truth.

Maybe he thinks of her as his mum.....

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Sigh.

I wonder what the boys want for dinner tonight. I'm thinking chicken pizza, but they've been conspiring to get me to take them to a new fast food place. Ugh. That stuff is horrid. I was listening to a few people telling each other about some of their experiences in the Ministry the other day, with fast food, I mean, and the stories are sickening. All the rubbish they put on the food, if you can call it food. No, I think I had better stick to making the chicken pizza. Or, if they want to help, they can put what they want on it.

Just hopefully not chocolate sauce, like Landen did the last time. I was wondering why it was that I was smelling chocolate the entire time his was baking. How he did that without me noticing, I'll never know.